College application season cements mom-daughter relationship

By Beth and Deb Liu

Tiger Cub 

When we first began this column in the middle of my sophomore year, I never thought we’d make it here. I’m finally in my senior year of high school! Senior year is surprisingly more fun and relaxed now that I’ve made it through the earlier ones, but we can’t ignore the elephant in the room: college applications. 

On October 15th, I submitted my first college application for early action. Given how hard I’m working, I suspect I’ll develop a serious case of senioritis the second I click “submit” of the last one on January 5th. 

I’m not going to pretend I love doing college applications. I mean, who does? But I definitely have it easier than a lot of people thanks to you and Dad. 

Tiger Mom 

College applications are so different from when I applied more than thirty years ago. Back then, we had to type everything onto a single paper application, one for each college that we wanted to apply to. If we made a mistake, we had to painstakingly fix it with Whiteout, one letter at a time. Our essays were handwritten first, then typed, and when everything was done, I’d go to my mom to ask for a check before mailing the envelope. Some schools would send a postcard to confirm receipt, but otherwise we wouldn’t hear anything for months. Logistically, this meant it was hard to apply to more than half a dozen schools. 

Now, with the Common App, it’s easier to apply to many schools, but that also means competition is fiercer than ever. Thanks to the internet and social media, students know more and see more about the process, but they also feel more pressure than we ever did.

Tiger Cub 

It is really different now. When I was preparing my application to UNC Chapel Hill, you and Dad helped me review every part of the Common App. You both turned what could have been a stressful process into a smooth one. When I didn’t know 

details about my class, Dad pulled up his handy school profile and fed me the numbers. While I worked on the extracurricular section, you opened the resume that we had drafted together previously. I couldn’t ask for better parents. 

The challenge came before that stage, when I was writing essays and listing extracurriculars. That’s when you shed your calm, everyday-mom exterior and turn into Tiger Mom. You never failed to remind me that you could’ve helped me with my freshman math class if I had asked for help sooner. Or that I could’ve joined better extracurriculars if I’d listened sooner. Or that I could’ve taken harder classes. 

Working with you has its ups and downs. On one hand, you know me better than anyone. On the other hand, you know every mistake I’ve made in high school. College counselors don’t do that. They just help you make the best of what I have. I think the difference is that you know me a little too well. You see all the places I could’ve done better because you know my limits and where I fell short. 

Tiger Mom 

I watched you struggle in freshman year, and it was hard for me to not step in to prevent you from making mistakes. You were scared to tell me that you were struggling in a couple of your classes, and I wasn’t sure how to push you to tell me until it was too late to help. 

Given the struggles your brother had through freshman and sophomore years which hurt his grades and put a lot of options out of reach, I didn’t want to see you make the same mistakes as him. But I could tell that pushing you on it was pushing you away.

Parenting is a balancing act. Letting go enough to let your kids make mistakes and accept the consequences, and preventing you from failing so hard it is unrecoverable. 

Tiger Cub 

It was really hard for me to ask you for help in freshman year. I thought that getting straight As was something I should have been able to do on my own. None of my friends needed support, so why should I? Everyone around me, including my brother who was at that point hit straight-As a junior after struggling, seemed to be succeeding. People would complain about their test scores, then end the year with A+s. 

I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be able to get good grades without needing your help. Not to mention, our relationship was not great then. You were putting too much pressure on me, it felt like we couldn’t do anything together without it devolving into a conversation about all the things I should be doing but wasn’t. I wanted to do at least one thing correctly on my own. 

Tiger Mom 

I asked you your freshman year, how hard you wanted me to push you in order to get into college. You said a 6 or 7. I wanted you to want it more, but I also knew not to push. So I tried to stay inside of the boundaries you drew. I am glad we had that conversation because it helped me know where your head was at. It also meant you wanted me to let you make your own choices, so I did. 

My parents didn’t understand the American college application process at all. They each applied to one college in the US (a country they had never been to) and just came here to attend with just some suitcases and a few hundred dollars. 

I want you to find a place where you will thrive, just like your brother eventually did. Tiger Cub

I remember when you asked how much I wanted to be pushed by you. At the time, I wanted to go to Stanford because it was one of the only schools I knew of. You told me that to get into Stanford, I would need a level 10 kind of pressure. But I hated the pressure. You pushing me was rotting our relationship from the inside. Every night, after we walked the dog, I would cry in my bed, because all your pushing ever did was make me feel inadequate. 

Some days, I regret not choosing a higher number back then. You and dad know the college game, I could’ve been the perfect candidate. I’d certainly be more confident in my college applications now. But most of the time, I can’t really bring myself to regret my choice there. I don’t think we would be here today if I chose a 10. I don’t think we ever could have reconciled if our relationship was defined by the chase for college. We definitely wouldn’t have begun writing together. 

I’ve learned so much in the years since that conversation. At the time, I wondered if you were living vicariously through accomplishments I didn’t want to have, even though you have accomplished so much yourself. I now know that all you wanted was for me to have a good future. One where I would be successful and happy. As I write my college applications now, I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me. You’ve given me every opportunity in the world to succeed.